Up until last night I was starting to wonder if Hollywood could still make a movie that I loved. Well they did and that movie was called Inception. I wasn't really surprised since people were coming up to me nearly every day, "You know what movie you'd like, Inception," and I would respond, "I don't know you but thanks for the tip." It wasn't just refreshingly friendly strangers; family, friends, and enemies all told me I'd like it. So, I'd just like to say if you did recommend it to me you were right on the money, and that movie was indeed right up my alley. And it's about time too; I was beginning to lose faith, Hollywood is so predictable and formulaic lately.
There are now only like 4 or 5 different sub-genres of movies. There is the paranormal horror movie; these almost always star Sarah Michelle Gellar or Jennifer Connelly and more than likely the stories came from Japanese movies. The plot goes like this, the main character is an emotionally complex wife or mother who needs to go live somewhere for some reason and there are paranormal things happening. They generally only have one friend to confide to who ends up thinking they are nuts and the movie boils to a crescendo when they realize that some kid died wherever they are living for whatever reason. Then there is the slasher movie which is 9 times out of 10 a "reboot" of a horror movie there already was. A reboot is when they change cast or directors for a movie series and start the series over from scratch because (among other reasons) the writers have literally written themselves into such a corner that they can't live up the the already low standards that a movie designed to help young teens get to second base. The Halloween series has already had 2 reboots, Halloween: H20, and Halloween the Rob Zombie version. After seeing Rob Zombie's Halloween II I think it's safe to say that Michael Myers is finally dead forever. Then you have the suspense thriller; these used to star Morgan Freeman ALWAYS, but now you can put Ashley Judd in place of or in addition to Morgan Freeman and it will still be released. Then there is the rehash of a 60's, 70's or 80's TV show or comic book; in the good old days they would only make movies about action comic books but now every syndicated comic strip is up for grabs... Seriously there is a movie about MARMADUKE... It blows my mind that at this time there is a person willing to pitch an idea for a feature length movie about the comic strip Marmaduke... And there is also board room of people that thought it was a good enough idea to ask people for money to finance this movie... And there are people willing to finance a movie about MARMADUKE... Because right now there people saying, "Jeeze I know movie tickets are $10 a piece, but I just have to see Marmaduke..."
Now Hollywood grinds out these things all year long and occasionally you get an Avatar and about twice a year the monster studios like Disney and Dreamworks make something you know will be good and sometimes a good independent or foreign film bubbles to the surface. But if it doesn't meet any of the above criteria... it's going to be a "twist" movie. A twist movie means they are going to throw a huge twist at the end. A lot of people blame M. Night Shyamalan for this becoming a Hollywood cliche but it takes two to tango. Honestly, Sixth Sense and Unbreakable were masterpieces; but his movies just get worse and worse every one he does. Why is this? Because a twist is only good if YOU DON'T SEE IT COMING! If you know that there is going to be a twist you just think, "What would be an ironic thing that could happen, and by ironic I don't mean the Webster's Dictionary definition of irony, more like the Alanis Morrisette definition of irony?" And then you have it... Oh he's going to kill himself and then the army will come by and kill all the bugs. It's the same reason that if you tell someone you are posing a trick question to them they usually can figure out the piece of the sentence that doesn't belong; but if you just pose it like you are asking them a serious question with a legitimate answer they are less likely to pick up on it. A lot of twist directors say they were inspired by Alfred Hitchcock but he didn't do the very last minute twist on any movie I can remember. His twists came when a well laid plan was messed up by a coincidence like in Dial M for Murder. Some Hollywood movies I would even say completely cheat the audience. The worst offender I can think of is Domino. You're sitting through over an hour of the movie and then 2/3rds of the way through it they say, "But that's not what happened at all." Why even show me something if that isn't what happened? That's like saying, "Dude I'm from Portland... psyche! I'm from Seattle." I wouldn't even consider that a lie, because that kind of implies that there was some element of tact involved, that's just telling me something that isn't true.
And finally you have the remake... There is one remake I want to PLEAD with Hollywood not to do, and that is The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Now I just want to say for the record, I thought the movie was pretty good, not nearly the greatest foreign film I've ever seen. In fact I can think of a movie that really reminds me of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo that came out in the seventies. Hollywood recently remade the movie and here is what they came up with:
That is the recent remake of The Wicker Man; the original 1973 version is great, but after seeing this video you probably won't take my word for it. Cracked magazine said it best, "We know that many of you have seen the above highlights, as they've been quite a sensation on YouTube. We also know that most of you haven't actually seen the rest of the film, judging by its box office. So here's a fun project for you: Sit down and try to write the rest of the movie so that those scenes make perfect sense in context" (the full article is here: 10 Scenes of Brutal Violence Guaranteed to Make You Laugh).
Now if nothing else, just don't make the movie because I have the feeling it's going to bomb and I don't know if I can afford more than $10 a ticket when you will inevitably massacre this movie. Firstly, the typical American movie goer is way way way more prudent than the average Scandinavian movie goer. I don't profess to be an expert on films from there, but I have definitely seen over a half dozen movies from there and they are much less sexually inhibited than movies you see in the United States. In fact I'd have to say we are far more prude than most European and Asian movie goers. This is the reason why classics like Ichi the Killer and Oldboy will never come to America; and why my roommates almost gouged their eyes out after watching 15 minutes of Thriller: A Cruel Picture (which is from Sweden I believe). Honestly I'm really surprised at how many women actually liked this movie and recommended it to me. It's very gritty and sexually graphic; I'm kind of thinking that anyone who is open-minded enough to see that for it's artistic merit has already seen it by now. Rape, domination, and masochism are pretty hardline themes throughout the movie; you NEVER see that (to the extent it is in this movie) in American movies. So if you censor it out or downplay it; that's 2/5ths of the movie gone AT LEAST. Then, of course, you can't have religious themes in there either so cut that out and you'll be left with something completely different. I have a feeling that the love affair with most people have with this movie is from the amazing performance by Noomi Rapace. The problem is, she doesn't speak English... not even to a Jackie Chan extent. So she can't be in it, I can't even picture an American actress that can play a don't-give-a-fuck devil-may-care attitude like her. And with a role like that, you can't fake it. I know there are many fans who loved that movie and it's for them I'm writing this; I don't want to see another Wicker Man scenario.
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